Star Wars: Holiday Special - 1 star out of 10

Star Wars: Holiday Special - 1 star out of 10

“Star Wars: Holiday Special” is an infamously awful television special in which all of the Star Wars characters (played by the original actors) celebrate Life Day.  Don’t get too excited: it gets much worse.  This tv special can only be viewed on YouTube (thanks to a few dedicated Star Wars fans that recorded it and posted it online decades later).  It was only aired once and was never released on video (for good reason).  Audience’s must have realized how horrific this experience would be after it opened with 9-minute sequence of Chewbacca’s father, wife, and son all communicating with a single word of dialogue, just awkward grunting noises (and no subtitles) overtop of a cheesy flute accompaniment.  Yes, this is for real.  Then they talk to Luke Skywalker for 3minutes so that we get some semblance of a story, but it is still incredibly painful to watch.  How can a film as amazing as “Star Wars”… spawn something like THIS!?!?!?  Things get worse as the special guests begin to appear, particularly Harvey Korman as a cooking show host.  My goodness, what does this have to do with Star Wars?  After a trip inside of a Kaleidoscope and the equivalent of space pornography from a galaxy far, far away, there is a song by Diahann Carroll that really have NOTHING to do with the special.  Just when you think that the story is beginning to have some consistency, enter Jefferson Starship!!!  This is about when I wanted to give up on the film but forced myself to endure every last minute for the sake of this movie review.  The most random part of this holiday special comes in the form of an animated cartoon (a la Yellow Submarine) of the Star Wars characters.  This random cartoon (that has nothing to do with the Life Day story) looks nothing like the actual characters and is probably one more way of fooling the audience into thinking that they’re watching the original Star Wars actors, when in reality they are each in the special for less than 5 minutes total.  The SINGLE redemptive moment of this special is when Bea Arthur appears as the bartender.  Her attitude is amazing and she gets to interact with all of the aliens (including the Cantina Band), but even that drags on for too long.  The film’s fate is sealed… well, it was sealed about 15 times prior to that, but it is truly sealed as the Wookiees walk through space to the Tree of Life where Princess Leia sings a song (poorly) and Chewie recounts the events of the first film.  Chewie’s thought bubble is the first thing that has to do with the Star Wars story but now it has nothing to do with the Life Day story.  There is nothing special about this tv special.  The author of What Were They Thinking?: The 100 Dumbest Events in Television History actually calls it “the worst two hours of television ever.”  In the end, I would rather suffer Darth Vadar’s death grip  than sit through another minute of this.

P.S. 5 minutes of this tv special and you’ll realize that it really CAN get worse than “Star Wars: The Clone Wars”!!!!  This is the true meaning of pain:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCNGjKnTzaQ

The Bells of St. Mary's - 5 stars out of 10

The Bells of St. Mary's - 5 stars out of 10

"The Bells of St. Mary's" is a classic but it didn't really grab my attention.  It is a good movie but by today's standards, I don't think that it was worthy of 8 Oscar nominations, especially Best Picture.  Ingrid Bergman was wonderful as Sister Benedict and absolutely earned her nomination.  But I didn't see much in Bing Crosby (especially since he had already won an Oscar for that role in a previous film).  The characters were well-written and the story was interesting, but moments like that awkward Christmas pageant detract from the quality of the film.  It was very interesting to see Henry Travers (Clarence from "It's A Wonderful Life") playing a bad guy, although I was glad that he still have a few of those lovable dimwitted moments.  The fighting lesson was heartwarming and the ending is unexpected (in a great way).  "The Bells of St. Mary's" isn't a bad film but it is just sort of average.

The Watcher in the Woods - 6 stars out of 10

The Watcher in the Woods - 6 stars out of 10

Shockingly dark for a Disney flick!  Disney has always used a lot of mysticism and they hit the nail on the head with "The Watcher In the Woods."  I was impressed that a Disney movie could effectively creep me out and I question whether young kids could handle this (though I believe that the movie was intended for families).  The first person cinematography representative of "The Watcher" was very well done, particularly the long uncut scene as The Watcher follows Jan through the woods.  You really won't be able to predict which direction this movie will take next.  Though the acting isn't the best and the movie is pretty dated, it's still an enjoyable story that will hold your attention for the entire 80 minute film!

The Darwin Awards - 5 stars out of 10

The Darwin Awards - 5 stars out of 10

Quirky and off-the-wall, "The Darwin Awards" provides an excellent excuse to watch people die from their own stupidity.  The documentary style works well for this film, particularly as the cameraman becomes a comedic device by refusing to help in desperate circumstances to preserve the impartiality of the film.  The characters are well-written.  The only problem with the film is that it is a bit absurd, but it is good for what it is.  Joseph Fiennes was a great choice for the lead role, emotionally detached and always deadpan.  Winona Ryder also has a nice performance as the sidekick.  The transitions to the Darwin Award winners are a bit abrupt but I like the way that they incorporated them into this adventure.  Although I wouldn't place this in one of my top 25 comedy films, "The Darwin Awards" is good for a few laughs, a very awkward shower scene (not as bad as it sounds), and several shakes of the head as we are reminded of the stupidity within our society.

Tremors - 6 stars out of 10

Tremors - 6 stars out of 10

"Tremors" is a great sci-fi horror film that probably developed its cult following from constant airtime on USA Network throughout the 90's.  The concept was scary enough to make kids feel brave for watching but tame enough for parents to be comfortable with their preteens watching the censored version.  This story about unexplained giant earthworms is surprisingly believable.  It is probably most believable because they do not show the monsters too much, letting the imagination due most of the work.  It's filming technique serves as an homage to 1950's monster movies, creating the terror through cracks in the walls, swaying buildings, and the ground being pushed up as we imagine what is causing it.  The script is nothing special but the characters make it very clear that this horror film is intended as a comedy.  From the annoying teenager who is constantly crying wolf to the NRA-enthusiast Gummers, the human nature of the characters creates laughs without any actual "jokes."  The film stars Kevin Bacon and... that angry guy that shouts a lot (Fred Ward) but the real highlight is Michael Gross and Reba McEntire as the Gummers.  Their dialogue and their arsenal make them the most entertaining part of the film, even if they are only playing minor roles.  "Tremors" may not be a comic masterpiece or a chilling horror film, but it is great as a Sunday afternoon movie that can easily be shared with the family (especially if it is the tv version).

In Search of Beethoven - 7 stars out of 10

In Search of Beethoven - 7 stars out of 10 

“In Search of Beethoven” is a comprehensive look at the famed composer that sets the events of his life within the context of his music and not vice versa.  Since it focuses on the compositions of Beethoven, little time is spent examining his childhood.  Although I wanted more of the younger years, it makes sense within the context of what the movie is trying to accomplish and I appreciate that film wasn't any longer!  2 hours and 18 minutes was the perfect amount of time to get in depth with the life and music of Beethoven, but any more would have begun to feel tiresome.  With over 60 live performances, this film brings the music to life as if we were concertgoers in the early 19th century.  While it takes time to interview historians about Beethoven's life, it also interviews expert performers like Emanuel Ax  to give a perspective on what it is like to tackle a Beethoven piano concerto or violin sonata.  While non-musicians might find this documentary to be a bit dry, it is perfect for performers and appreciators of classical music.

The Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult - 7 stars out of 10

The Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult - 7 stars out of 10

"The Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult" is a breath of fresh air after a lackluster second chapter in the series.  The storyline places these characters into situations that allow them to be hilarious again.  The inclusion of the Academy Awards opens the movie up to cameos, film parodies (like Jurassic Park), and tongue-in-cheek insults hurled at the film industry.  33 1/3's prison sequence is great for a bunch of laughs, though the intentional paralleling of  "Shawshank Redemption" began to feel uncreative after awhile.  Fortunately, Lt. Frank Drebin is back to his idiotically loveable self and it just "feels" like the first film again.  One thing that I noticed was the overwhelming amount of sexual humor.  All of the films contain a lot of sexual jokes but it seems like some of the slapstick humor was dropped in order to make way for a larger percentage of sexual jokes that go a bit too far.  I would've preferred the slapstick humor.  Despite a few flaws, this film is almost as good as the original and it definitely gets bonus points for running over a Philadelphia Flyer during the opening credits.  This conclusion to the "Naked Gun" series is definitely worth watching if you enjoyed the first film and are a fan of slapstick humor that isn't meant to be taken seriously.
P.S. O.J. Simpson's afro...