Dragon Wars: D-War - 2 stars out of 10

Dragon Wars: D-War - 2 stars out of 10

I am baffled as to how any person could have thought that this story would be taken seriously.  Aside from the writers, director, and producer failing to speak up against this ridiculousness, how could actors like Robert Forster and Craig Robinson sign on for a film like this?  The only thing that salvaged this film from receiving a one-star rating was its special effects.  To be honest, the final half-hour of the film was really cool with all of these dragon-eque things attacking Los Angeles.  Unfortunately, they simply tried too hard to make this into a “real movie” by giving it an extensive story about the girl with the dragon tattoo (leave it to the Swedes for that one).  Had they resigned themselves to the fate of being a monster movie with a simple explanation of these dragons, I would actually enjoy watching this destruction.  Instead, I’m forced to spend these awesome destructive sequences thinking about the Yu-Gi-Oh (or whatever it is) fleeing from the evil lords who have returned from a 500-year nap.  Simply put, this story is so ludicrous that the film never had a fighting chance.  Did I miss the part where they explain where these dragons came from?  Did I also miss the extensive period of time while the main characters fell in love, because it seems like it happened over a total period of 18 minutes.  It didn't even have a good start, with the first third of the movie consumed by an awkward double-flashback that prevents the character development from beginning until a half-hour has already passed.  In the end, they probably could not have come up with a less-creative way to kill the evil army and conclude the film.  How convenient - a magical necklace that makes our protagonist useless.  Outside of the special effects, everything about this film shouts "Amateur!"  As of 2007, this was Korea’s highest budgeted film ever, a laughable fact  when you consider the story line and weak performances by Jason Behr and Amanda Brooks.  In the end, it isn't worth enduring the first hour of this movie to get to the dragon sequences unless you are looking for a good excuse to mock the writers.

Dead Snow (Død snø) - 7 stars out of 10

Dead Snow (Død snø) - 7 stars out of 10

Without question, this is the bloodiest movie that I have ever experienced.  You will see zombies and humans killed in every imaginable way with graphic detail.  This movie redefines the term "blood bath."  Dead Snow puts the characters into an excellent atmosphere, completely isolated from the rest of the world.  From the movie description, it may seem pretty random to encounter Nazi zombies in the middle of nowhere but I give props to the writers for creating a story in which the Nazis have a purpose for being there.  The acting is decent, the story is alright, but the reason to see this movie is to experience more blood than you have ever fathomed.  Just when you think that you cannot be shocked anymore, keep your eyes on the screen and this film will burn horrific images into your brain that you cannot even imagine.  Awesome.

A Serious Man - 7 stars out of 10

A Serious Man - 7 stars out of 10

"A Serious Man" is an absolutely ridiculous movie.  It's absurd characters are incredibly entertaining and you'll never predict what will happen next.  You will split your time between laughing at Michael Stuhlbarg's terrible situation and feeling really bad as everything goes wrong for these characters.  Although it doesn't have a great plot, the random happenings of Larry Gopnik's mundane life make it so entertaining that I'd gladly watch this movie several times.  The music is enjoyable as an intriguingly beautiful harp/piano  theme presents itself several times, as well as Jefferson Airplane's "Somebody To Love."  If you like the Coen brothers, you'll enjoy this film.  Every character has his quirks and you'll love the opportunity to get to know them.

The Royal Tenenbaums - 9 stars out of 10

The Royal Tenenbaums - 9 stars out of 10

If you enjoy Arrested Development, you will love “The Royal Tenenbaums”!  The quirky characters, narrative style, quick cut scenes, ridiculous dialogue, and hysterical situations make this an extremely entertaining experience.  The movie's introduction is the perfect start, memorably introducing each character and their quirks.  A constant stream of comedic devices drives the film with subtle things like the sad Charlie Brown music that plays when Gwyneth Paltrow is in a rut.  The film is also filled with exaggerated running gags like the way that the other family members treat Paltrow because she is adopted.  A lot of comedies have iconic comedic moments that you talk about and constantly quote.  “The Royal Tenenbaums” is different, deriving its humor from the unrelenting absurdity of its characters and how their quirks create conflict.  This all-star cast does an incredible job of portraying this diverse grouping of characters.  Ensemble casts tend to be hit or miss, but Gene Hackman, Anjelica Huston, Luke Wilson, Danny Glover, Bill Murray, and the rest of the cast develop amazing chemistry.  I typically dislike Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson, but I even loved them in this.  The writers have some great clever moments:  "Is that a Tic-Tac?" and Margot's life montage are amongst my favorites.  There really is no other film like “The Royal Tenenbaums,” but you will laugh from beginning to end as these characters create humor just by being themselves.

Lakeview Terrace - 1 star out of 10

Lakeview Terrace - 1 star out of 10

I can think of a million better ways to spend 2 hours than by watching Samuel L. Jackson bully his neighbor.  I enjoy Jackson as an actor but he really let it slip with this movie.  I knew what I was getting into with this film and wish that I hadn't allowed myself to hit play on my BlueRay player.  The dumb plot and mediocre acting leave this as a film fit only for die-hard Jackson fans and unsuspecting victims of a poor cinematic experience.

Rock-A-Doodle - 1 star out of 10

Rock-A-Doodle - 1 star out of 10

It is tough to believe that this is Don Bluth’s retaliation to Beauty and the Beast.  "Rock-A-Doodle" is just... awful.  When your antagonist is an owl whose evil deed is making it rain... and his main motivation is liking the dark... and hating rock and roll... you know that you’re in trouble.  Then let's create a main character who is Elvis in rooster form and is basically written out of the script after the first scene.  Let's add in a scary-looking hound dog that can't tie his shoes as a sidekick and a live-action boy who is turned into a feminine-looking cartoon cat.  This film is a good reminder of why Disney rules the world of animation.  In "The Lion King," a lion fights to save the kingdom that his evil uncle has taken.  In "Rock-A-Doodle," a cat and a mouse fly a giant pink helicopter in an attempt to make the sun come up and drive the evil owls away.  The only thing worse than the story is the live actors.  I'm still trying to comprehend why they have a narrator (a la Beauty and the Beast) AND a live-action person reading a story to a little boy (a la The Princess Bride).  One or the other is a nice touch but you can't have a cohesive story with both.  How dare Phil Harris (the voice actor who portrayed Little John and Baloo in Disney’s Robin Hood and Jungle Book) sign on for this atrocity.  Even though they hired some entertaining character actors like Ellen Greene and Eddie Deezen, they were wasted wasted on horrible dialogue.  The characters are incredibly forgettable, particularly the "main character" who isn't even really in this movie.  He does little more than provide the soundtrack for the rest of the characters.  The "bouncers" are bunch of toads?  Were they trying to make us roll our eyes?  Not to mention the fact that the owl can unexplainably turn into a tornado.  But after suffering through this film, at least there is an exciting, show-stopping ending, right?  Just as the main character starts to sing and interact with the rest of the characters for the first time in the film [wait for it...] the ending credits begin to roll.  And then that song quickly fades away to make room for another song being sung by a different character about how learning to tie your shoes is just like life.  I'm sorry, Don Bluth, but your enjoyable animation couldn't save this garbage.

La Vie en Rose - 8 stars out of 10

La Vie en Rose - 8 stars out of 10

"La Vie en Rose" tells the dramatic story of French singer Edith Piaf's rise from humble beginnings to international success.  Somehow, Cotillard creates genius within her drunken stupor, effortlessly portraying several completely different facets of Piaf's personality.  The movie's non-linear style is like looking through a photo album of mixed up pictures.  The lack of chronology gives the sensation of viewing a collage instead of a story.  You get to experience all of the significant events in the life of Edith Piaf but will sometimes find it difficult to follow how one event relates to the others.  This style saves the movie from being a complete downer, as the sad moments of her later life are interspersed with happy moments from her earlier life.  This movie was much darker and upsetting than expected but is a great way to get to know the character of Edith Piaf.

Black Sheep - 3 stars out of 10

Black Sheep - 3 stars out of 10

It's like Tommy Boy without a strong story or a good script.  If you enjoy Chris Farley and his typical antics, this movie will satisfy you.  However, if you are looking for an enriching cinematic experience (or anything other than stupid humor in it's purest form) then choose something else.

Evidence Of Blood - 1 star out of 10

Evidence Of Blood - 1 star out of 10

When I see a movie classified as "Thriller," I expect there to be some sort of momentum or excitement involved.  "Evidence of Blood" moves so slowly that I may have seen the counter on my dvd player moving backwards.  While the film sports an interesting story, it seems like half of the movie is David Strathairn sitting in a chair and speaking his thoughts out loud.  Outside of the mediocre acting (and laughable interpretation of an asthma attack), it simply takes too long for the pieces of the puzzle to begin falling into place (a.k.a. 90 minutes of random searching and 18 minutes of a sudden revelation and instantaneous conclusion).  This movie is not bad in a "fun" way.  It is bad in a "this movie is so boring that re-enacting 127 Hours would be more entertaining" way.