Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Toys (1992) - 1 star out of 10

Toys (1992) - 1 star out of 10

“Toys” is truly one of the worst movies I've ever seen, from its lifeless character to the Gettysburg Address/"I have a (Barbie) dream-house" war speech.  This long-winded approach to telling a short (uninteresting) story is painful in spite of its amazing artistic vision.  It is hard to imagine a movie this bad receiving Oscar nominations, but it is even harder to believe that it may have actually deserved the nomination for Best Art Direction!  The film places an inherently stupid story and overacted characters amidst a creative-looking toy factory and a vividly colorful landscape.  You’d expect powerful performances with names like Robin Wright Penn, Joan Cusack, Michael Gambon, Jamie Foxx, and LL Cool Jay (why not?) on the list but they are all awful.  I never imagined that Robin Williams could be so unfunny and unlikeable without it being intentional.  The worst part is that they all seem to think that they are contributing to a legitimate film.  I’d blame the editors but they must have known what they were getting into when they read this script.  Beyond the actors, I don't think that any audience watching a PG-13 movie is dumb enough to accept this as entertainment.  Is this supposed to be a comedy or... ?  They even had to Insert of a random music video because there isn't anything interesting about the transparent plot.  They probably thought that the 15-minute long toy battle sequence would be the big payoff but instead, it is unbearably long.  Outside of the cheesy slow-motion effects, the film hasn’t aged well with a factory full of toys that most kids have never seen in the iPad age.  They did somehow manage to unintentionally predict drone warfare.  “Toys” is a horrible film but if you can’t tell that from the cheesy Christmas opening sequence, you might actually enjoy parts of this movie.  But I doubt it so don’t bother.  What a waste of a triumphant Hans Zimmer score.

[Pictured: Need I say more?]

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